Compassion is “sympathetic concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others” (Oxford Dictionary 2018). So often, we are compassionate towards others, and yet we don’t offer ourselves the same level of concern. “Self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness, concern and support you would show to a good friend. When faced with difficult life struggles, or confronting personal mistakes, failures and inadequacies, self-compassion responds with kindness rather than harsh self-judgment, recognizing that imperfection is part of the shared human experience” (Neff & Dahm 2015).

The importance of self-compassion

Research suggests that higher levels of self-kindness are associated with greater optimism, compassion, forgiveness and goal mastery, as well as lower rates of anxiety, self-criticism and perfectionism (Niemiec 2017; Neff & McGehee 2010; Neff & Pommier 2013). When we are kind to ourselves, it feels good, and that positive emotion helps us to be more outward facing, better at problem solving and critical thinking and more creative (Fredrickson 2001). When we experience self-kindness, we’re more likely to feel social connection (Niemiec 2017). Self-kindness is strongly associated with wellbeing amongst adolescents and adults (Neff & McGehee 2010).

To look at it another way, if you treated a friend the way you sometimes treat yourself, would you still be friends?

Practice a compassionate mindfulness exercise

For Adults:

Set a timer for 5 minutes
Sit in an upright comfortable position. Have your chest open and roll your shoulders down and back, neck is lengthened and chin is slightly tucked. (Posture is important as it allows for positive biofeedback to our brains).
Breathe in for a count to 5. Then breathe out slowly to a count to 5. Continue this for 5 minutes.
Make sure your lips are curled upwards to create a pleasant smile on your face.
Feeling and experiencing the wisdom of non-judgment, acceptance and understanding for yourself.
Know that we have wisdom within us and can therefore allow ourselves to use that wisdom to be helpful, not harmful to ourselves in our lives.

For Students: (Teachers- be mindful to adjust this as appropriate to cater for the varying needs of your class)

Lay down on the floor, not touching anyone or anything. Close your eyes and put a gentle smile on your face.
Breathe slowly in and out. Breathe in for the count of 3 and breathe out for the count of 3.
Think of your feet and in your mind say “thank you” to your feet. Think of what your feet have helped you do today (walk, play, climb, dance, balance or go up on tippee toes to reach something).
Now, think of your knees and legs and thank them for bending and allowing you to move.
Next, thank your stomach. Say in your mind “thank you stomach”.
Thank your arms and your hands, think of all the ways in which your hands help you.
Say “Thank you” to your head, face and brain which holds your intelligence and allows for you to experience your senses.
Now, put your hands over your heart and thank your heart for beating all day, everyday without you ever having to think about it. Spend a few moments feeling your heart beat and the rising and falling of your chest as you breathe in and out.
Gently move your toes and fingers and open your eyes.

Six tips for self-compassion

Carla Ford (2018) offers us her six tips for self-kindness:

Carve out time for yourself to do something that feels good – go for a coffee, have a bath, read a good book; do something that brings you joy.
Notice your self-talk, and cut yourself some slack. Everybody makes mistakes and nobody is perfect. Speak to yourself as you would a friend.
Discover JOMO (the joy of missing out) and give social media a miss for a while. Everybody posts their best selves and it can make us feel bad that our lives don’t match up. Be kind and have a day free of social comparison.
Acknowledge your successes. We’re always quick to do that for others, so why not take a few minutes and consider all you’ve achieved?
Hang out with your cheerleaders. Spend time with the people who uplift you and support you – the ones who fill your tank.
Take your daily ‘MEDS’ (Mindfulness, Exercise, Diet and Sleep). Looking after your mind and body is a great form of self-kindness.
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